"Smack That".

You may be aware of the rap star known as Akon (or to his mother as Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam). He did that song Lonely, with what sounded like a duck singing the chorus. Yeah, that bloke.

Anyway, I'd pretty much ignored him as much as was possible to do so until I listened to his latest song Smack That, which I'll come back to in a minute.

So I find he's been arrested lots of times, including for Grand Theft Auto which he got 3 years for. He seems quite proud of this, referencing it on numerous occasions in his songs, such as Locked Up and Konvicted. I can't help but think his time in jail would have better served learning to spell properly, preparing him for his career as a songwriter.

He's also a Muslim and cites the Koran to justify his polygamist lifestyle, which includes having three wives. I'm not sure the Koran justifies nicking people's cars though does it Mr Akon, although I may be wrong.

Akon is also supposed to be developing a movie of his life: Money, Power & Respect: A Hustler's Dream. Sounds like top stuff.

The thing is, I'm willing to ignore all of this due to the true genius of his new track, the aforementioned Smack That.

Lyrically, it's a masterpiece. I've yet to hear anyone emit the following lyrics with such heartfelt emotion:

I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow,
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo.
Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo,
And possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me
smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore,
smack that, oooh.
smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore,
smack that, oooh.

Lennon and McCartney wish they were that good. I think I mostly like it because you're just not expecting him to suddenly bend over the lady in question after kicking it like Tae Bo. Of course, I also appreciate the fact that once his lady friend (who presumably isn't one of his three wives) has a sore vagina, he will stop smacking that, like a true gentleman would.

Of course, that's assuming 'smack that' is a euphenism for sexual intercourse. He could be literally bending her over and smacking her buttocks, in some kind of spanking fetish.

By the way, I think I would be remiss here to only heap praise on Mr Akon for this masterwork. Eminem also features in what is certainly not a quick and easy cash-in, and Smack That is the product of no less than 5 writers, all of whom should be very proud of their work.

So for those of you unlucky enough not to have sampled Smack That, here is the video which suits the song accordingly - it has a similar plot to the Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte classic 48 Hours, except it's 24 hours (genius twist) and it features Eric Roberts, best known for being Julia Roberts' brother.

Enjoy!